If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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