Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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