I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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