he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
