I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
