I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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