woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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