dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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