I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
