but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
