McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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