Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.