Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
