Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
then he tried to convert me to islam
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.