Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
