I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just pee around me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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