So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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