I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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