i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize