So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
