I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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