Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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