My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
