Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
