I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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