At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You were trust falling into bushes
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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