After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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