im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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