Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
