I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
