If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
