I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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