i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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