EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
