Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize