they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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