I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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