He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
