I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
