if i can run in heels then i can drive
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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