I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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