idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
