sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They took my balls.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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