Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
