somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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