I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
