I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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