If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You just made me feel so damn special
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
