i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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