I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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