I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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