someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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