There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
