if you like me you must not know who I am
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
