there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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