i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
