I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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