Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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