It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
