when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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