Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
